“I realise now that she’s what I want. I want to move in with her and have kids with her. I’m done with this lifestyle and I’m scared that I’ve really fucked it up. If I can’t get her back then I’m going to have to leave this town, I can’t see her around, it will kill me.”
I sat in silence, blank expression on my face, as I listened to my mate fill me in on the latest developments in his now finished relationship. I was back in Gloucestershire and had joined a couple of old friends for a few pints at a local pub when I’d asked “how are things with you and Amy?”
Steve is my age (30), has his own flat, a steady job and is in great shape from the gym. Amy is a year younger, a nurse, not in great shape and a few years ago almost had a drunken foursome with me and my best mate, her friend being the one to pull out at the last-minute.
Though most of my friends from home have some idea of the lifestyle I lead and what I do for work, I never make a point of ramming theory down their throats or talking about it too much when I am back. I just sat, listened and nodded whilst Steve continued to open up about the nature of their breakup.
“I was sat on the couch at her mums house, them either side of me as they gave me the ultimatum.”
“Ultimatum?” I asked.
“Yeah we’ve been together a while now and they said that if I don’t move out of my flat and get a house with Amy and give her kids then she’s going to leave me. I felt under pressure and said I didn’t want that and left. That’s when we broke up.”
“How long ago was that?” I asked.
“About ten weeks now, but I can’t stop thinking that I’ve made a terrible mistake. I realise now that she’s what I want. I want to move in with her and have kids with her. I’m done with this lifestyle and I’m scared that I’ve really fucked it up. If I can’t get her back then I’m going to have to leave this town, I can’t see her around, it will kill me.”
Rollo’s ‘Cardinal Rule of Relationships’ immediately sprang into mind.
In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.
“Mate you realise you only feel like this because you lack options and live in a tiny town where you see her everyday.” I refrained from going into a tirade of how he needs to get a grip, move on and realise he just won the lottery by escaping that scenario.
“No mate, you’re different. I’m not like you, I’m not interested in fucking loads of girls and partying anymore, I want her back. I went round her house today but she wasn’t in so I told her neighbour to tell her that I called by and that I want to speak to her.” He continued.
“Just be careful.” I added before changing the subject.
We didn’t speak about it again for the rest of the afternoon and I’d kind of forgotten about it until today when I saw something pop up on my Facebook feed. It was one of those ‘x has been tagged in’ type of posts and not to my surprise it was Amy who is now in a relationship with John.
But wait, as I looked a little closer, I saw that the date she was tagged in this event was not today’s date but actually from early March, meaning it was a little over three weeks after she broke up with Steve that she had entered into this new relationship with John.
I felt bad for Steve. He’d previously scoffed at the idea that women always have ‘orbiters’ (guys they’re keeping on the back burner) and now he’d fallen victim to the hypergamous nature of women. It’s a lesson he’ll have to learn the hard way but what about guys reading this who may be in a similar situation or thinking about entering into a relationship?
Lets look at the mistakes Steve made to get to this point using Heartiste’s brilliant ‘Sixteen Commandments of Poon.’
III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority
Forget all those romantic clichés of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.
Steve put himself in a position where Amy became his priority, hence his needy behaviour and devastation after she left. The fact Steve lives in a small town where there is a real lack of options and things to do means that generally relationships become the priority in people’s lives here.
VII. Always keep two in the kitty
Never allow yourself to be a “kept man”. A man with options is a man without need. It builds confidence and encourages boldness with women if there is another woman, a safety net, to catch you in case you slip and risk a breakup, divorce, or a lost prospect, leading to loneliness and a grinding dry spell. A woman knows once she has slept with a man she has abdicated a measure of her power; when she has fallen in love with him she has surrendered nearly all of it. But love is ephemeral and with time she may rediscover her power and threaten to leave you. It is her final trump card. Withdrawing all her love and all her body in an instant will rend your soul if you are faced with contemplating the empty abyss alone. Knowing there is another you can turn to for affection will fortify your will and satisfy your manhood.
Although Steve told me he saw a 41-year-old for a bit after the breakup, he never had abundance, which lead to his needy behaviour and allowed Amy to play her trump card (leaving) to get what she wanted i.e. marriage and kids. She’s likely to use the same tactics and behaviour (often not consciously) in her new relationship with John. Now Steve is alone in his flat in a town with a lack of opportunity for new leads, he’s neediness grows along with the belief that Amy is the solution. Steve should really read ‘Plate Theory’ by Rollo Tomassi.
XV. Maintain your state control
You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.
Listening to Steve talk, it’s clear he doesn’t have a grip on his state control. During the ultimatum, Steve got reactive prompting Amy to follow through on her threat to leave. Although she may have left anyway as she moves towards somebody that will give her kids, had Steve been able to maintain the frame, the situation may have ended differently. Now his state has been disrupted, he believes that he’s made a mistake and that he now wants marriage and kids, when in reality his gut instinct was probably right and he isn’t ready for that yet.
XVI. Never be afraid to lose her
You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.
It’s clear Steve was afraid to lose her and now that he has, his behaviour is erratic and is stemming from a place of neediness and loneliness through lack of options. Trying to get her back is the ultimate act of neediness. Steve needs to move on with his life and fast.
Steve’s case study serves as an example of where you can end up if you don’t take game & red pill advice seriously. This isn’t a post to hate on the nature of women, I actually don’t think Amy has done anything wrong, she’s only following her biological imperative.
Steve on the other hand has a lot to learn if he’s to avoid ending up in a similar situation in the future.